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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27449851">rain is always gonna come</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/calvinahobbes/pseuds/calvinahobbes'>calvinahobbes</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Depression, Established Relationship, F/F, Sad with a Happy Ending</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 16:10:16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,400</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27449851</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/calvinahobbes/pseuds/calvinahobbes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"I don't deserve you." She doesn't mean for it to slip out, at least not in that tone of voice. It feels too raw, too real, too close to what she's been lying awake with every night for months now. (Dani and Fi and depression, early years edition.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dan Howell/Phil Lester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>rain is always gonna come</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThoughtaThought/gifts">ThoughtaThought</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Written for ThoughtaThought for the PhandomGives auction for Dan's 29th birthday. Thank you for your prompt, your donation to Mermaids UK, and your patience. </p><p>Thank you to AHappyPhil and JudeAraya for beta, and to ThoughtaThought. Title is from peace by Taylor Swift.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There's a specific feel to Fiona's pussy right before she gets her period. Dani is obsessed with her this time of month. She gets less responsive; slow to react. Her skin is drier and sweetly wrinkled like she's retreating into herself, holding on tightly to any potential orgasms and only giving them up with extreme reticence. </p><p>At this point in Dani's life it feels almost symptomatic. It feels like a direct parallel to everything else she has no control over. It feels like when you're about to sneeze but then you don't. Over and over again. </p><p>Sometimes Dani will spend hours eating Fi out, working to coax blood to course up under her skin, until she can hardly feel her tongue anymore. It feels like she needs to prove something, but she can't say what exactly.</p><p>They're like that now, Fi patiently reclining on the pillows, carding her fingers slowly through Dani's hair as Dani battles it out with her body like it's something almost separate from Fi herself. </p><p>Tonight Fi keeps almost cresting, breath coming short for just a few moments, a tension shivering down her spine to her ass, and then it dissipates again into nothingness. It's like her body keeps reaching for it, but the timing is off and she can't quite catch it and it's driving Dani crazy. She's already had her hand down her own knickers twice. </p><p>The next time it happens Fi sighs and smacks her lips and tugs on Dani's hair to let her know she'd like a word. Dani breathes and wipes her chin as she looks up.</p><p>"I don't think it's happening," Fi murmurs. Her eyes are almost shut, a glint of lazy blue between dark lashes. "But 'was nice," she slurs. She tugs limply on Dani. </p><p>"I can try a bit more," Dani says, eyes already back on task. There's a pale flush to Fi's skin, the head of her clit glistening wetly. </p><p>Fi huffs and Dani knows it means no. She feels disappointment spread through her gut. </p><p>"What about you?" Fi asks.</p><p>"I'm good." Dani shrugs. She's reluctant to leave her cozy spot between Fi's legs.</p><p>"Did you come?" Fi asks, more sharply now. </p><p>"Yeah."</p><p>Dani doesn't get why Fi looks almost sad. </p><p>"Why didn't you tell me?" she asks, bottom lip glistening as she pouts. </p><p>"I was busy," Dani says, trying to make it a joke but the tone falls short. Like everything else tonight. </p><p>Fi only frowns in response and it leaves her feeling unsettled. She's looking at Dani in that way she's started to, something evaluative and thoughtful. It rattles Dani so much, that look, makes her nervous and uncomfortable, so she pushes the feeling away and looks away from Fi's eyes even as she crawls up to take her place next to her on the bed. </p><p>"Are you okay?" Fi whispers, brushing Dani's bangs out of her eyes.</p><p>She sounds so fucking sad. It cuts through Dani like a knife. She gives a little smile.</p><p>"Yeah. Don't feel like sleeping, though. Might go game for a bit." She's moving even as she says it, brushing a perfunctory kiss against Fi's forehead before she clambers out of bed and leaves, quickly, quickly. </p><p>Maybe it's the two year crisis. Is that a thing? Surely all couples go through periods where it's hard to connect. </p><p>Maybe it's the strain of moving or the strain of Dani trying to figure her fucking life out. Or maybe, she thinks as she enters the disaster area of the lounge, it's that she feels different about this apartment. </p><p>She felt attachment to Fi's old place, but it was always <em>her</em> place, Dani the permanent visitor. Now they share a place, a flat they sought out together, and selected together, and decorated together. A place where their things are wilfully mingled; Fi's DVDs in among Dani's DVDs, Dani's towels and kitchen utensils in among Fi's. </p><p>And maybe that's why she feels in a permanent state of anxiety over the state of this place, she thinks. It's not even about the dirty socks or the kitchen always looking like a Richter scale 7 event just concluded. Or it's not <em>just</em> about that? But it's another thing that makes Dani feel inept, somehow. Out of her depth. </p><p>She hasn't been playing Crash for long before the floor creaks and Fi is there, like a ghost in her white oversize t-shirt, long black emo hair framing her erect nipples under the thin material, her bare feet probably already cold. </p><p>"Can I join you?" she asks, and Dani hates that she asks now. She hates it so much that she can't even look at her, can't stop playing, can't do anything but nod and ignore the lump in her throat.</p><p>Thankfully, Fi's body doesn't match the distance in her tone of voice. She curls up next to Dani as assuredly as she always does, pressing close, cold like Dani knew she'd be. She presses pause just long enough to reach for the blanket and throw it to Fi. </p><p>"Cover up," she mumbles, and Fi does, spreading the blanket over both of them even though Dani will overheat in a few minutes and push it away again.</p><p>Fi leans her head on Dani's shoulder and watches Crash silently. She's probably sleepy. Dani wishes she would go to bed but she doesn't want her to leave. God, she's a mess. She feels better now that she's playing a video game than the whole time she was having sex with Fi, better than when she came, and what the fuck does that say about her? She presses the buttons harder, stares at the screen, wishes she could fuse her consciousness to Crash's consciousness and never have to leave this sofa ever again.</p><p>**</p><p>Three days later she goes to pee in the morning and finds her underwear stained a dirty red. It makes her feel momentarily less crazy. </p><p>Then there's a crash and a screech, and suddenly Dani can smell burning. She runs into the kitchen to find Fi flapping her arms uselessly in front of the stove where thick smoke is rising from the frying pan.</p><p>"What the fuck, Fi!" Dani shouts and pushes her out of the way. "I told you! Stay in the kitchen when you're cooking something!" She flings the pan into the sink. It makes a crash that vibrates up her arm.</p><p>"I know," Fiona whimpers pitifully. "I forgot. I'm sorry!"</p><p>"YOU ALWAYS FORGET!" Dani screams. </p><p>But she is not Dani. She is her mother screaming at her father. She is her father screaming at her. She is herself at age 12, 13, 14, 15, 16 screaming at her brother. </p><p>She takes the spatula and stabs viciously at the charred egg. It is hopelessly stuck to the pan.</p><p>Fi slinks up next to her, making a motion as if she wants to reach for the spatula herself but doesn't dare to. "I can clean it up," she mumbles. "It's my mess."</p><p>It's an echo of something Dani has thrown in her face any number of times. <i>It's</i> your <i>mess, Fiona!</i> </p><p>"No, you can't," Dani replies, vicious and low. She is an ugly, mean person. The ugliest person in the world.</p><p>Fi stares in silence for a while as Dani helplessly tries to salvage the frying pan. She scrapes and scrapes and has no idea what she's doing. There's always just more charred black stuff flaking off and fuck if it doesn't feel like a metaphor.</p><p>"Did I ruin it?" Fi asks, very quietly, like a child.</p><p>The anger has burned itself out inside Dani and all she feels now is tired. "I don't know. Maybe we should soak it for a bit."</p><p>"Maybe my mum knows," Fi says.</p><p>Dani doesn't know why she's crying. All of a sudden she's simply heaving great big gulps of air and tears are streaming down her face. </p><p>"Dani?" Fi's hand flutters onto her shoulder, ever so quick to touch even when Dani is a walking time bomb of cruel expletives. </p><p>It makes her cry even harder, makes her long for contact and comfort. The spatula makes another godawful racket as she throws it in the sink with the pan and turns, blindly hiding her face in Fi's shoulder.</p><p>And Fi just shushes her and soothes her, running her hands up and down Dani's back in that way only she does. Dani clings to her, tangles their legs together so forcefully they almost stumble, and she thinks wildly that she can never lose this. If Fi ever stops being around to touch her like this she will never be comforted anymore.</p><p>"I'm sorry, Dani. I'll pay for a new one, I promise."</p><p>It makes her hate herself even more, to know that this is what Fiona thinks of her; that all she cares about is money. She shakes her head.</p><p>"It's not that. I don't know why I'm crying."</p><p>"Oh," Fi says. She sounds almost embarrassed. "Maybe you got spooked?"</p><p>It's such a <em>kind</em> thing to say, such an empathetic and caring thought that it sets Dani off again. Fi is so good and Dani is a troll disguised as a human. She resolves to do better. </p><p>Through all of Dani's spiral Fi just holds her and hums to her and sways her gently, breakfast apparently forgotten for now. </p><p>**</p><p>Fi is putting on make-up for filming one of their agent sketches. Agent AmazingFiona wears boring normie make-up and Fi's only white shirt. It's sheer and fitted, the seams standing out against the curves of Fi's body like white lines. She's wearing a push-up bra which is clearly a mistake because it makes her breasts strain too hard against the buttons. </p><p>Dani is lying on the bed studying her. She's been dressed for hours waiting for Fi to finish showering and blow-drying her hair and putting on make-up. From this half-way upside-down angle she can see a sliver of bare skin in between the buttons, one of her favourite freckles just above the cup of the bra. </p><p>That makes it a good bra. Dani doesn't like the bras that cover that freckle. She loves the lacy ones that partly conceal it, making it feel like a bit of a secret. She wants to touch it, feel the slight difference in texture; softer, slightly raised skin. </p><p>She thinks there was a time when she couldn't have stayed still this long, when she would have long since gone to grope Fi shamelessly, delayed their filming even longer. Is this what growing up feels like? Or is it being settled? She knows she can grope Fi's breasts any time she wants. Does that make it less alluring somehow? Is she less allured or is she just tired? Why is she always tired? </p><p>"So I don't know. What do you think?"</p><p>Dani blinks against the realisation that at some point Fi had started talking. About what? She tries to rewind in her head. Kath. Florida? </p><p>"What?" Dani says stupidly, giving up.</p><p>Fi looks down at her. She's only at the eyeliner. How is it possible to take this much time doing a nude face? "Weren't you listening?"</p><p>Dani shrugs, lets her head hang off the edge of the bed. "Sorry. Got distracted by your boobs."</p><p>Fi scoffs but there's a smile playing around the corners of her mouth. </p><p>"Probably shouldn't wear that bra, actually," Dani says, voice full of regret. </p><p>"Does it look small?" Fi looks down critically. </p><p>"Uh," Dani says.</p><p>"Think I'm getting fat," Fi says sadly and shows her where her jeans are cutting sharply into her hipbones, little bit of belly puffing out over the waistband.</p><p>Dani rolls her eyes, but Fi doesn't let her get started.</p><p>"I'm not saying it like a thing. I'm just saying." She pinches her stomach.</p><p>Now Dani has to grope her. She rolls and flails and flops off the bed, struggling to right herself with a gasp. She paws at Fi's ass, rests her hand on the muffin top which yeah maybe it's bigger now than it used to be but so the fuck what?</p><p>"You're hot," Dani says and kisses her. "You're lovely." Fi leans into it this time. Their lips smack when they come apart. </p><p>"Perfect excuse to get new clothes?" Fi says hopefully.</p><p>"Lacy new lingerie."</p><p>"Perv."</p><p>Dani looks down Fi's shirt because she can. "You really do need to change that bra, though. Here, I'll help." </p><p>Fi squeaks out a protest. </p><p>Later Fi is tracing squiggles and lines over Dani's collar bones, her breath making a warm damp spot above Dani's breast. </p><p>"You never answered my question."</p><p>Dani runs her fingers through Fi's soft straightened hair and looks at the ceiling, thinking about how they've lost the light for the day. Again. </p><p>"You're not getting fat," Dani says, voice maybe straining with an ounce too much irritation.</p><p>"Not that." Fi shoves her, which is annoying, so Dani squeezes her until she lies still again. "Florida."</p><p>"What about it?" Her mind is the in the kitchen, mentally rummaging through their cupboards for something that cooks up quickly and coming up blank. Surely it's not time for groceries again already? </p><p>What is life but a never-ending series of Tesco runs and dishes piling up? </p><p>"Martyn might want to go in May."</p><p>"Alright." </p><p>Well, there's also this, she thinks, and pets Fi's hair again, circles her finger around that freckle she was so focused on earlier. </p><p>Fi pops her head up to look at her properly. "So do we want to go in May?"</p><p>Dani feels like she lost a part of the conversation. "We?"</p><p>"Yeah."</p><p>Dani's heart is already racing. That strange look is back on Fi's face. She hasn't seen it for several days. It's impossible not to feel like she fucked up. She casts about desperately for something to say but she still doesn't know what she's done to make Fi look so sad.</p><p>Fi says, "I thought you wanted to come with us. Like last year." Her voice is impossibly small.</p><p>"Of course," Dani says, stunned. </p><p>"Only if you want--"</p><p>"I want!" Dani says, quickly, both because it's the right thing to say and because it's true. She thinks. "Yeah, of course." She pulls Fi down again. "Lester family holiday." She kisses her temple. "Can't wait."</p><p>She tries to imagine herself in May, in Florida, but she can't. Is that normal? She scans herself for feelings of excitement or longing and finds nothing. The days bleed together and surely she should want a change, but she doesn't want anything. That treacherous part of her brain asks her again whether this is it. Is this what it's like now? </p><p>When Fi gets up to find something to eat Dani stays under the covers. </p><p>**</p><p>A few days later Fi has a present for her. Dani desperately casts her mind about to think whether she forgot some important date, but mostly it's her that keeps obsessive tabs on their anniversaries only so she can convince herself that really they're trivial and unremarkable (first conversation, first orgasm in the same bed, first trip together, first month, second month, 6th month, Valentine's). But while Fi is just as likely to observe any of these major or minor anniversaries as Dani, she's just as likely to do this: random acts of kindness that get under Dani's skin even worse than any Hallmark holidays.</p><p>Fi looks weirdly nervous. She's fidgeting more than usual, she's trying extra hard to look at Dani instead of anywhere else. For a second her intensity spooks Dani, but then she produces a present out of nowhere and Dani is relieved. She knows what this is. She can do this.</p><p>It's a flat, soft package. It flops in Dani's hands as she stares down at it. Fi has wrapped it herself, which means it's a haphazard mess of too much tape and accidentally torn paper. </p><p>"You shouldn't have," Dani mumbles. She feels weirdly shy, Fi's attention somehow still surprising to her two years down the line. </p><p>"I wanted to," Fi says lightly.</p><p>"I didn't get you anything," Dani says, which is what she's supposed to say. It feels like they're running lines, trading words from a script they've already practiced a thousand times before. Why can't she ever just be in the fucking moment with her fucking girlfriend like a fucking normal person? </p><p>"You didn't have to," Fi says, right on cue. "Open it." She nudges Dani gently and Dani tries to open the present slowly, but the wrapping is a mess and it practically falls apart in her hands. </p><p>It's a t-shirt, black, official Nicki Minaj merch. Dani holds it up and stares at it mutely. </p><p>"Fi…" she says.</p><p>"You like it?" Fi's voice is vibrating with excitement. She knows Dani loves it.</p><p>"I love it," Dani says. "But it's… what did it cost you?"</p><p>"It's fine," Fi says and kisses her temple. "I saved up for it."</p><p>"That doesn't make it better!" Dani squeaks. </p><p>Fi laughs, tongue curling, eyes crinkling. </p><p>"Babe." Dani holds the t-shirt in her lap, looks earnestly into Fi's eyes. "Thank you."</p><p>"You're welcome." Fi just looks happy, all traces of nervousness gone from her manners. "You really like it?"</p><p>"It's perfect. It's exactly the one I wanted." Dani feels numb with how considerate Fi is, how attentive. </p><p>"Spying pays off yet again. You had it bookmarked in your browser." Fi flops back on the sofa, content now that the tense exchange is over. </p><p>"What else did I have bookmarked?" Dani says, not really worried. She's shrugging out of her shirt and putting Nicki on. Fi trails her hand over her exposed breast and stomach because she can. </p><p>"Mm, nothing very incriminating. Some porn…"</p><p>Dani pulls the shirt down. It's the perfect size, over-large and boxy on her. She runs her hands over the sleeves. Smiles.</p><p>"We can do that thing with the paddle," Fi says. </p><p>Dani looks at her in some surprise. "Yeah?"</p><p>Fi shrugs, lazily, pupils dark. </p><p>Dani files it away for future reference. She leans over to kiss Fi again. "I don't deserve you."</p><p>She doesn't mean for it to slip out, at least not in that tone of voice. It feels too raw, too real, too close to what she's been lying awake with every night for months now. </p><p>Fi's face turns serious. "That's my line."</p><p>Has she been thinking about lines too? Or is Dani just becoming paranoid? Fear slithers through her stomach, thick and cold and slow. She swallows against the lump in her throat, blinks against the burn in her eyes.</p><p>"You know I'm in this, right?" Fi says suddenly. She sounds nervous now, voice thick the way it gets when she's out of her depth emotionally. </p><p>Dani nods and hugs her close, letting them both off the hook. </p><p>**</p><p>Dani is riding Fi's hand. Fi is sitting up, Dani kneeling in front of her, a towel laid out underneath them. Dani is a snarling, crying mess, hands punishing her own breasts, fingernails scratching while Fi's fingers drive relentlessly into her. Fi is saying stuff, which she doesn't always do unless she's like this, laser focused on Dani's pleasure and intent on bringing her off one more time. "You can do it, come on, let me see it again, Dani, please, come for me, god, you're so gorgeous, you're so good, you're beautiful, yeah, babe, ride my fingers, suck on them, fuck you feel so good, Dani, Dani," and Dani can only writhe and scream and stare at Fi's perfect face and clench so hard it's almost painful. "Yeah," Fi sighs contentedly and kisses her slack lips, Dani leaning hard on her shoulders, shuddering through wave after wave. "You're my good girl," Fi whispers, and Dani is too worn out to cry again. </p><p>**</p><p>Dani stubs her toe against the breakfast bar and curses. The kitchen is a Richter scale 10 event and this time there's no one to blame but herself, as Fi has been to visit her parents and Dani has done exactly nothing until four hours ago where a sudden frenzy caught hold of her.</p><p>She's been to the shops, she's been desperately perusing her trusted Delia Smith cookbook, and now there's a nut roast underway and Dani has to face the mountain of dishes.</p><p>She's up to her elbows in sudsy water, Beyoncé crooning in the background, when Fi crashes through the door and calls out a hello. </p><p>"In here!" Dani calls and turns to smile at her.</p><p>But Fi doesn't smile back. She stops dead in the doorway, arms full of Kath's familiar tupperware containers, and stares. "You're dressed," she says.</p><p>Dani can't help but laugh at the shocked tone of her voice. "Yeah?"</p><p>Fi sniffs the air, eyes honing in on the oven. "And cooking?"</p><p>"Nut roast," Dani says with a shrug, suddenly shy under Fi's scrutiny. </p><p>Fi doesn't come forward and her face seems frozen, eyes flickering around the room faster than a humming bird. </p><p>"Are we breaking up?" she blurts.</p><p>"What?" Dani feels like someone doused her in cold water.</p><p>Fi is squirming preemptively, finally walking closer to dump the tupperware on the breakfast bar. Her hands fly up immediately and she turns to walk in a tight little circle. </p><p>"I don't know! You're gloom and doom for months and then I leave you alone for a day and I come back and you're--" She stops and stares at Dani and flails. "Happy."</p><p>Dani feels weirdly woollen. "Do you <em>want</em> to break up?" she murmurs, pulse thudding in her throat.</p><p>"No!" Fi shouts. She is moving again, pacing agitatedly around the lounge. "Do <em>you</em>?"</p><p>"No," Dani says flatly. Everything feels unreal. </p><p>"Oh, great!" Fi laughs hysterically. "That was convincing."</p><p>"I love you."</p><p>"Thanks. Even better." She's flitting to and fro and it's painful to Dani to see her like this, so nervous and unsure of the situation.</p><p>"Wait," Dani says and finally steps away from the sink. "What's going on?"</p><p>"I don't know. I don't know! You tell me!" Fi stops again for a second, stares at her with the saddest puppy eyes Dani has ever seen from her. "Dani," she says, helplessly, shaking her hands as if she can get the bad feeling out that way.</p><p>"Shh," Dani says and catches her up in a hug, which Fi thankfully doesn't turn away. "I'm sorry I freaked you out."</p><p>Fi clings, shudders a wet sigh. "I don't know what's happening. I love you so much, but sometimes it feels like you're not sure."</p><p>"I'm not," Dani says and instantly knows it's the wrong thing to say. </p><p>Fi sobs and pushes her away. </p><p>"I'm not sure I deserve you!"</p><p>Fi scoffs. "That's bullshit, Dani, and you know it!"</p><p>"No! I don't! How would I know that when you're… you and I'm… this." She gestures helplessly. </p><p>"Dani," Fi says, infinitely disappointed. </p><p>"I love you so much," Dan says and suddenly she's crying with the truth of the next thing out of her mouth. "But I don't love me."</p><p>She crumbles to the floor where she stands, Fi's arms not quick enough to catch her. She follows instead, sitting down next to her, arm around Dani's shoulders, hand on her knee. </p><p>"I worry about you."</p><p>"I know, and I'm sorry about that. I can't stand it when I think I'm making you sad," she blubbers, well aware that she's a selfish asshole for taking Fi's freak-out and making it all about her. </p><p>"Sad is good. Sad just means I'm invested."</p><p>Dani sobs a laugh. "I don't know what's wrong with me."</p><p>"Are you sure you don't know?" Fi says softly, and it makes big, fat, extra-hot tears roll down Dani's cheeks. </p><p>The timer goes off on Dani’s phone, somewhere up on the kitchen counter. Dani huffs and wipes her eyes. “Dinner’s ready.”</p><p>She staggers to her feet and goes to turn the mobile off.</p><p>“Fuck dinner.”</p><p>Behind her Fi has also stood up. She’s looking angry and defeated, that stubborn tilt to her jaw that Dani loves so fucking much.</p><p>“I know. What you’re talking about.” Dani pulls at the sleeves on her top, balls up her fists tightly.</p><p>“Do you?” Fi demands, tear-stained but combative still.</p><p>"Yes, but can we please just eat? I haven't had anything all day."</p><p>"But I texted you at lunch," Fi says accusingly. </p><p>Dani knows. She pretended like she had fixed herself something. "I was still in bed," she says and it feels as good as ever to be so perversely honest with Fiona about her own shortcomings.</p><p>Fi sighs and goes over to get the plates out of the cupboard, leaving the door open when she moves to get glasses. Dani dries off some cutlery that she hands to her and then closes the cupboard doors.</p><p>They eat in silence.</p><p>The water has turned cold in the sink so Dani runs it full with fresh water. Fiona does the drying off, dripping water on the floor, leaving soap bubbles at the bottom of the glasses. Dani feels feral with love for her; big, wild, complicated love that she feels suddenly hopelessly incapable of honouring. </p><p>She stares at Fi's slender fingers, tapered tips, smooth nails, for so long that she forgets what she's doing until Fi suddenly giggles, quiet and choked off and inappropriate but perfect.</p><p>Dani smiles at her.</p><p>Afterwards they sit in the sofa and it's painful again. Fi holds her hand, turns it, fingers reading it like braille, fluttering and tickling and never holding still. </p><p>"I'm not leaving," Dani says, because she thinks that's important to state. "I'm not on my way out."</p><p>Fi frowns, thoughtfully. "I think I know that. Most of the time I think I know that. But then I wake up in the middle of the night and hear you pacing…" She tapers off. "You get this look on your face," she says. "Like you're not here."</p><p>Dani squeezes her fingers and holds them still for a second, as long as Fi can stand, and looks her in the eye. "I'm not… not here."</p><p>"Yeah," Fi says but she sounds unhappy, ducks her head and hooks her hair behind her ears. "It's just that I've never done this before."</p><p>This is an old fear of Fiona's, one that Dani can't quite wrap her mind around. The further they progress down this road the farther Dani also gets from anything that's comparable to what she had with Aaron. Sometimes she thinks he's more of a ghost to Fi than he is to her these days. </p><p>"Right, and I'm the relationship expert," she snorts, which is inadequate and not what she meant to say at all. "I'll do better," she tries instead. </p><p>"God, it's not about me wanting you to make more of an effort!" Fi exclaims.</p><p>"No?" </p><p>"I wish you <em>felt</em> better," she whispers, looking down.</p><p>"I am feeling better," Dani says, but the words feel almost impossibly big in her mouth, muddled like lying.</p><p>"Yeah?" Fi says. Her eyes are luminous with hope and adoration. How could Dani not feel better with her looking at her like that? </p><p>"Actually for real."</p><p>Fi contemplates her face closely. "Do you remember what you said on Skype way back before we even met? That sometimes you were afraid of the day when everyone discovered you're actually even worse than they thought you were?"</p><p>Dani stares at her in shock, shakes her head. It does sound like something she'd say, but she has absolutely no recollection of those exact words.</p><p>"I think about that all the time." Fi says it as if it's an admission of something terrible. "I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. Then I think you'd know there's nothing bad to discover."</p><p>And once again it crashes down on Dani just how impossibly lucky she is. It's like she's learning it, over and over again, and yet never learning it, constantly surprised by it. </p><p>**</p><p>Nothing changes, but some things are different. </p><p>Dani does actually start to feel better. It's as if a haze is starting to lift that she didn't realise was there. She laughs and realises she hasn't really laughed in months. She cleans the toilet just because she can. As if it's nothing. </p><p>She's editing their latest SuperAmazing video, wishing they had one more take because in the first one she flubs a line and in the second one Fi kicks a chair and it's hard to edit the sound out in a way that isn't noticeable. </p><p>She's been at this for hours but she doesn't want to let it go, knows that as soon as she does Fi is going to take over and find a million things to tinker with.</p><p>Fi stops behind her now and looks as Dani loops the edit. </p><p>"You should trim the beginning," she says.</p><p>"I wasn't looking at the beginning," Dani says.</p><p>"No but still." Fi reaches past her to play it again. "There."</p><p>"I know." She does it quickly, getting the timing wrong.</p><p>"No, not like-"</p><p>"Fi!"</p><p>Fi sets her jaw. "Like that."</p><p>"Fi."</p><p>"Go back another bit. When your hand is-"</p><p>Dani does it, seething with resentment. "Do you wanna take over?" she asks through gritted teeth.</p><p>Of course Fi doesn't get it. "Sure." She shrugs and hip checks Dani right out of the fucking breakfast stool, idiot brain already entirely focused on the screen.</p><p>Dani fixes herself a drink, banging all the cupboards as hard as she can. The hard line of Fi's mouth says she gets it but doesn't care. Dani goes and turns on the PlayStation.</p><p>It's hours later when Fi plonks herself down next to her, holding the laptop. "Wanna see?" she says unceremoniously and of course Dani does so why bother pretending anything else? She saves the game and watches as Fi plays all 9 minutes of video.</p><p>It's good. Fi managed to fix the wobbly bit in the agent sketch a bit more. </p><p>"I love this bit," Fi says and scrubs back to the news segment. Dani did this bit and she does think the cuts flow pretty well. </p><p>They still have to overlay almost all the images, and they'll tinker with it a bit more as they do, but it won't be a frantic Monday morning scramble to get it all done.</p><p>"It's good," Dani says.</p><p>"Well done, partner," Fi says.</p><p>"Why thank'ee, pardner!" Dani says sarcastically and cocks an eyebrow. </p><p>Fi giggles and hides her face in Dani's neck and Dani hugs her and thinks she must be insane to ever get angry with her.</p><p>** </p><p>It's late one night and Fi is curled up in a little ball on the sofa, head in Dani's lap. They're watching a stupid anime, something Dani doesn't really care about but that Fi is oddly invested in. </p><p>She's running her fingers through Fi's hair like she's done a million times before, like she'll do a million times again, when it hits her. It's like lightening striking down and suddenly she can see herself and Fi like they're reflected over and over again in thousands of funhouse mirrors. The images stretch into eternity, just sofas and bad tv as far as the eye can see, but the vision doesn't make her numb or paniced or sad. It feels like the greatest safety there is. </p><p>She scrambles inelegantly for Fi's hand, clasps their fingers together roughly. </p><p>"You know this is it for me, right?" she says, and it surprises her how gruff and weird her voice sounds. </p><p>Fi glances up at her with a frown. "What?"</p><p>"I know I'm not easy to be with. And I still think you deserve better. But I'm never gonna let you go."</p><p>Fi looks up at her with those large, luminous blue eyes and says, "Are you never gonna run around and desert me?"</p><p>Dani blinks. Fi grins.</p><p>"Never gonna make me cry," Fi sings. "Never gonna tell a lie and-- hurt you!" </p><p>"Oh my fucking god, I hate you so much," Dani says, stunned with conflicting emotions. </p><p>She turns to tickle her and Fi screams and kicks, which is bad both because it's 1AM and dangerous because Fi has no control over her limbs.</p><p>Fi keeps singing, badly and off key, as she writhes her way out of Dani's grip and runs across the apartment, Dani chasing after her into the bedroom, anime forgotten.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for reading. <a href="https://calvinahobbes.tumblr.com/post/634763718316670976">Like or reblog on tumblr.</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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